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Monday, 18 September 2017

Does absence really makes the heart fonder or does it makes the heart grow further apart?



Where do I begin? 
How do I start?
What went wrong?

I remembered how sad we both were when we knew the 28th August was approaching, I remembered your last hug, your last kiss, and your tears. I didn't want to part either.

We've been together only for 8 months not at all long but it's how we spent time together but because of the every single second we spent together, it made us, or maybe just me, felt like we were together for years. We used to brush our teeth together, fighting for the sink, remember? We even worked part-time together at Subway – waited for each other’s shift to end and then walk home together. We hung out with the same circle of friends, we did our grocery shopping together, stayed up all night finishing our assignments together, struggled through ups and downs in life together- we were never apart for even 20 hours.

Every day was Valentine's Day with you, I remember how we had a very unnecessary high-class Indian dinner with the expensive Jacquart Mosalque Brut champagne that we both didn't like, the Asian glow hit us and we had to leave the restaurant with red faces. I also remember how much you hate it when I kissed you when you play your football game, always thought it was FIFA but nope it wasn’t. Ah, all these memories but my favourite was when I just got back from a trip with my friends and when I got home, my room was filled with colourful balloons and 5 yellow sticky notes on my wall - 'Will you be my fiancĂ©?' I didn't cry in front of you, I didn't want you to see my ugly cry face.
We argued in between but it is only common for all couples to argue and disagree with each other, never had cold wars, never. We made sure we talked and laughed it out. How I miss those days where we just laugh at each other's accent. Sometimes we argue in our own Mother Tongue, not understanding each other but ended up hugging each other saying, ‘Let’s never argue again, I’m sorry, I love you.’

We took over Europe during summer, Paris, the city of love, Venice, the city of dreams, these two were my favourite. We kissed at the Eiffel Tower like those Tumblr couple goals, we rode the gondola together with beautiful sceneries. It was magical how we could just get away and do nothing. I made a short video of our European takeover and sent to you as a surprise but it turned out to be the day we went our separate ways, how unexpected.

I've read our conversation ever since January where I texted you about how you put the BBQ sauce in the brown sauce bottle in Subway and how you surprised me on my birthday with a very sweet text, ‘Cynthia! I have something urgent to tell you! I only say it once……. HAPPY BIRTHDAY  ’, it melted my heart - we were only friends back then though. I went over to Subway on Christmas Eve to collect my keys and ended up going out for dinner on Christmas. Sparks happened and after that, I was no longer Cynthia to you but I was dear.

Before we knew, the 28th August came faster than we both thought it would. You left too sudden, we woke up late and missed our 4am bus the airport that we had to take the 7am bus and reached there just in time to check in and go to the boarding gate. You were too busy rushing that you didn't realise my tears were streaming down my cheeks, that's how you left, looking back, waving at me and rushing towards the gate – that was the last I saw of you.

Few days of us being 6,000 miles apart, our hearts grew apart too. I’ve heard many people saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder but honestly, tell me, do you think absence makes the heart grow fonder or does it just really make our hearts grow further apart? 

I was struggling ever since the 1st September, I was left alone to fight depression and loneliness alone - with you away from me with not texting at all, it left me worse than depressed. I had to pretend to be alright because if my neediness or clinginess show, you might just get angry, find me annoying and that I'll push you away even further, that's why I decided to suffer in pain alone. It was like things are better when you don’t know I’m suffering. It is even more painful of how my friends are all still back in their home country since the term hasn't started yet. Calling my parents at times where I'm at my weakest point is always 3am over there.

Guess what, you broke your promise – your promise of not letting me go easily but guess maybe I was too heavy for you to keep holding on, maybe you just decided to leave.

Your girlfriend texted me, asking me if I was your ex but I should have known with all those cold shoulders you gave me that you’ve already lost interest in me and that you're texting me and Facetime me only because you don't want me to hurt, I should have known but your ‘I love you, I’ll see you soon’ was what kept me going.

I remember how we promised that we'll end up there together after we both graduate. We promised we'll be with each other until the very end of life. “Dear,' you said, - holding my hand during winter last year, “we’ll be together until the end, okay?” while you rub my hands so I feel warm but when you said that - I was already warm, my heart was warm, there were warm water droplets that made eyesight blur.

Maybe I wasn’t good enough, maybe because we have different cultures and a language barrier, that's why you left me for someone else, I was your second choice. You wanted to marry her, you wanted her to go to the place we promised to be after we graduate - 'wow, perfect future,' she told me. Does she know that you told me the same thing? 'I'll keep you for the future’ you said to me at the airport back then while wiping tears off my face. 'I'll come back to you in the future, right now, I'm busy building an empire for us in the future.' You said that to her too, she told me. Maybe she's really the one for you despite the fact you both met only about a week. 8 months < 1 week, that must be your definition.

Right, she asked me why haven't I delete our pictures. I won’t delete anything, yet, I think, at least for now because I’m not ready for you to leave me.

Baby – oh sorry, I can no longer call you by then, I’ll have to call you by your name now, even if we will ever talk again? 'Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, I believe.

It's like you've sucked my soul dry, took away all of the love I have for you, for myself or for anything all and left me alone with my empty shell to rot, while you enjoy the sweetness and innocence of my soul that I gave you and the enjoying all of my love that I gave you all stupidly - leaving me with confusion, brokenness not even a tad bit of love for myself.

what do
the flower buds
pushing up from
the broken earth
say about you?

we break
to grow.

I loved you and I’ll always love you
but I may still be waiting for you to come back
 but guess time will push me away from you
like how the waves would push a lost boat to shore
 – just the matter of time.